Listen. I need you to listen because this is incredibly important. Not just for me, but for everyone. I’m just…I’m really worried about Kevin. He seems so down in the dumps lately, you know? He makes these serious threats, and I understand that sometimes it’s to be dramatic, but I think it’s serious. “Sometimes when I’m stuffing envelopes at work, I wonder if I can give myself a paper cut. A paper cut that can kill.” I know you might think that’s funny, but I don’t think so. I’m concerned. Someone should talk with him.
I mean, I did. A little bit. I Gchatted him for some advice about my job, my current boyfriend, my housemates, my broken iPod. Well, okay, I know that’s not really talking, but I did send him a couple of texts. Don’t get me wrong, I’m down with talking to him. We’ve been sharing links on our Facebook walls for a solid three months now.
Okay, okay, we’ve talked. A little. But like I said, he keeps making threats on his life. “The next time you Gchat me with your stupid complaints, I’m going to tear my flesh apart with a rake,” he says. “If you keep polluting my Facebook wall with LOLcats, I’m going to take an acid bath before jumping into a giant mound of salt.” The most recent one was “one more drunk text at 5 a.m. on a Tuesday, and I’ll shoot you in the face, frame it as a suicide, then put pieces of your obliterated skull on necklaces and sell them to angsty teenagers.” Not only is he threatening his own life, he’s threatening others! I’m really worried. Someone needs to talk to him. Don’t you think so?
Well, why not? Do you not care enough about him? Is that what it is? Christ, what’s your problem? Aren’t you paying attention? Are you not paying any mind to anything anyone says to you!?
You’re making me upset. I should Gchat Kevin to vent right this instant.
