The Sounds of Douchebag America

Hey, guys, what movie is this?  Oh, it’s classic, is it?  Criterion Collection, even?  Oh, Simon of the Desert.  Is that, uh…oh man, that movie was kinda hard to find for a long time.  It’s like a big moment that you can finally see it on DVD.  Wow, that’s…I mean, that’s pretty cool.  I..uh…I…oh Christ, here it comes…

BLAHHHH COUGH ERRRRR HACK, oh excuse me, hang on…No, I want to see the movie, it’s supposed to be awesome.  It’s like a DVD event, I..BLARRRRRGH HACK HACK.  Man, pretty brutal cough today.  Funny, I wasn’t feeling sick at all until you started watching this movie.  Hang on, let me clear my throat for at least ten minutes.  Maybe that’ll help me enjoy my viewing experience a little bit more.

There we go.  Alright.  So, how’ve you been?  No, really, I want to know.  No, this conversation can’t wait.  I need to have it now.  No, it’s important.  Look, can’t a guy just ask how someone else’s day is?  Alright, alright, fine, I’ll be quiet.

So, what’s the better detergent, Tide or Snuggle?  Like, my wife bought Tide even though I had a Snuggle coupon, and she claims it’s better, but…BLAK-EM, ah, excuse me, I don’t have the money for being extravagant with laundry products.  I mean, can you believe the nerve of her?  What’s the difference between Tide and Snuggle?  If my clothes are clean, that’s all I need to know, I…BLAK-EM ACK COUGH, okay, okay…no, I need to get this off my chest.  How long’s this movie?  Oh, it’s only forty-five minutes?  Really?  So you’re saying I would only need to wait twenty minutes before I can resume my vent?  Just twenty?  Is that all you’re saying?  Just twenty?  Twenty minutes?

Nah, I’m going anyway.  Snuggle!  I mean, Snuggle, people!  It’s got a bear on it!  How can you deny a bear?  A bear, I tell you!  HACK HACK COUGH…COUGH…Oh man, this movie’s so good, I hope you’re enjoying it COUGH.