Yo, when I was studying abroad in Madrid, you wouldn’t believe how nice everyone was to me. There was Alvaro, who kind of reminded me of your friend Jon, actually…he’s a clever guy, he likes the Decemberists and gets a kick out of Fawlty Towers…speaks really good English, too. His girlfriend’s a totally sweet gal as well…I think her name’s Lucia, and, to be honest, she’s kind of like a mix of my girlfriend and your friend Marla. She’s kind of a combination of those two. On one hand, she’s hot and has good taste like my girlfriend, but has the crippling self-esteem issues Marla has. I don’t know, basically a lot of people I met over there reminded me a lot of our mutual friends, and I mean, I missed you, for sure, but for whatever reason, I feel like they just did it better than you guys.
Plus, they taught me so much about their culture. I learned that they have McDonalds in Spain, that everyone goes to see all the American blockbusters (but with dubs and sub-titles!), and, most importantly, I learned how to toast. You see, you don’t just click glasses and look the other person in the eye, or say something stupid and American like “Cheers” or “L’chaim”…you say, wait for it, wait for it…”Salud.” See, that’s so much cooler than “To life” or “Cheers.” It translates roughly as “Health,” in case you didn’t know that (probably because you’re a product of a grossly backwards American educational system). They say that when people sneeze, too. In fact, I like that more than “God bless you.” I say that not because the notion of your soul escaping out of your nose is ridiculous, but because Spanish people do it, while Americans don’t.
Dude, all my friends over there were so much cooler than you! I cannot stress that point enough. And everyone sounded so funny. Even when they weren’t making jokes or being awesomely witty, they sounded hilarious with their accented English and whatnot…I mean, most people I came across in Madrid spoke English anyway, but man, they add a little twist to it that kills me. I never laughed that hard in America; I never will, either. I made up my mind, don’t even try me. This one kid, Esteban, he came from Barcelona, but he had the accent so it kind of sounded like a lisp. So cool. I wish I knew people here who had hilarious half-lisps.
That’s the other thing, too. Americans are so self-absorbed. I was talking about how Esteban was like her friend Jeff only less of a drunk, and she says, “Well, maybe it’s not nice for you to constantly yammer on and on about how much we suck compared to your friends in Madrid.” God, Marla! This conversation isn’t about you. Such a typical American: turning the conversation back to herself and her problems. I guess she’s insecure as always, but why does she have to be such an American bitch? No one in Madrid ever gave me a hard time when I talked about you guys. I didn’t, to be honest, but still, Americans don’t even listen. Probably because they were born with a brain defect or something, some weird American douche-gene.
I miss it so much. Studying abroad there totally changed my life. All the good times watching Hollywood movies, watching American television shows on Hulu, going out to international fast food chains for a quick snack…see, that’s the stuff. Americans doesn’t know diversity. They don’t know genuine culture. That’s not my problem, though. That’s your problem. Maybe you should try studying abroad or leaving the country, if your parents have enough money to throw at you. Seriously. It’s so important to me, I’m thinking of writing my graduate school essay about it. I think it will totally catch their attention.
