Everyone’s always got their knickers in a twist over Journey and Queen and whatnot. I know that “Don’t Stop Believin’” is this karaoke staple and everybody makes jokes about it, but, I don’t know, it’s too optimistic. Maybe I don’t want to journey. Maybe I stopped believing. And I want to spread that message to my friends and whoever else is there that night to drink away their sorrows: the happy songs are lame.
I would have to say my two all-time karaoke favorites are, hands down, no contest, “My Heart Will Go On” and “American Pie.” “American Pie” works really well because it’s a lovely commemoration of, who was it, Billie Holiday? Or maybe it was Buddy Holly. I don’t know, some singer with BH initials from way before I was born. But remembering who died fifty-plus years ago is a great drinking activity. The first one’s great because, you know, Titanic is a great movie that did really well, and people have seen it, and it’s sad, but it brings people together. I want people to never forget that movie, or the horrific event that inspired it. Mankind should never boast such hubris in its creations. It’s a lesson that must be taught. And can be taught. Through karaoke.
It’s something people do while drinking, and after all, they are drinking alcohol, which is considered a depressant. So, doesn’t it fit? I mean, if you’re listening to music and you’re drinking something called a depressant, doesn’t it make sense for the music to be a depressant too? Maybe I’m getting the meaning of the word wrong, but, like, okay, so asbestos causes mesothelioma and brain damage and things like that, right? It makes sense for it to be called a retardant, doesn’t it? I know it’s a “flame retardant” or whatever, but, it hurts your brain when you inhale it. Or something like that, I don’t know why I’d be inhaling asbestos but the point is that sadder songs are more appropriate.
In fact, I don’t think a lot of the material is depressing enough. You know what they could use? “Tears in Heaven.” You know, that good old Eric Clapton tune. A kid falling out a window? You can’t find a better party song than that. Not even Johnny Cash’s version of “Hurt” comes close. I mean, watching an old man die and reflect on his life is pretty sad (and not even in his own words because he’s too debilitated to write his own songs), but a kid falling out a window…that’s pretty sad too. And the perfect material for a night out with the girls! I can feel the pain when I sing it, belting like that. I hope the people paying attention can feel it too. My friends, well, my friends who hate karaoke, say the same thing: karaoke is all about pain. It’s about feeling excruciating, torturous quantities of horrible pain, they say. And they’re right. I mean, that was how their karaoke experience went anyway. And I don’t think they’re the only ones who feel that you can really deliver the agony through karaoke, at least judging from some of the other people who get up to sing.
