I can’t…I just…ugh. I…well, it’s…nevermind. I mean, what’s the point? I’m not connected to the world anymore, you know? The whole entire world…I’m shut off from it now. A black void. Of nothingness. Of nothingness and something else. I don’t know, I can’t even think straight because there’s no hope. What am I gonna do, you know? I can’t receive any phone calls. You know why? Because I’m weak, that’s why. Because I don’t have a phone, and I’m forgetful, and emotionally crippled, and a disgrace! I’m stupid, stupid, stupid! God doesn’t look after me. Not anymore. No wonder Tony left me after he forced me to get pregnant.
I’m lost. I feel totally lost. You know how I feel? Lost. I mean, how am I going to write tweets when I’m not at home? How will I get directions to work? How am I going to check the weather outside when I’m outside? My whole life was on that phone. My calendar…and, uh, my calendar…you know, everything. For all I know I missed a hair appointment. But what’s it matter? I’m an ogre; I’m a hideous sight without my phone. Hey, maybe I should be glad I don’t have my phone right now. You know why? Because then I couldn’t take pictures of my ugly, phone-less self. Yeah. And to think I miss it so much. I mean, I loved taking pictures of myself frowning, and then, right then and there, I could send them to Myspace. Can’t do that anymore. There’s another awesome thing I can cross of my list of things to do with friends. You know what else? I probably missed a mani-pedi too. Whatever, I can let my fingernails grow out as long as they want. I won’t be pressing any buttons to text anyone anytime soon.
I mean, I did what everyone does in these situations. I made a Facebook event. “I Lost My Phone,” blah blah blah. Send me your numbers, you know, that whole deal. And I get all these silly things like, “How does this count as an event?” and whatnot. “Where is the ‘I Lost Your Phone’ party taking place?” How would they feel if they lost their phones? If they weren’t getting txts from me all the time. I wonder if they’d know what to do, so I could maybe learn something from them. I’m seriously twitching over here. This is a big deal , okay? If I don’t look at pictures of my dog with crappy resolution, I’m gonna flip. I’m…I’m coming apart over here, I’m…I’m losing my mind. Like, what if I die? Tomorrow, I just die. That’s it. How’re you going to find me? You couldn’t call me to find out if I’m dead or not, could you? No. Because I don’t have a fucking phone. Oh yeah, maybe someone will find me and they’ll forget their phone and they’ll try calling 911, but I won’t have a phone, so, good luck with that.
I might as well. I might as well end it. I’m all alone now. Since I can’t call anyone, who am I gonna talk to? No one. Who am I gonna txt? Nobody. What Facebook statuses am I gonna make snarky @replies about? Or like? None. See? There’s nothing in this world for me to like. And I’m not going to get one of those temporary Nokia phones, either. There’s no way. There’s no way I would stoop that low. If I’m gonna die…if I’m gonna die like this…I’d rather die with dignity. I’m fed up with this cruel world. Hope I get lots of loving voicemails when I move into the past life. Except I won’t get them. Because I’m dead? No. Because I’m phoneless.
