I mean, think about it! Think of how perfect it will be. I mean, our house is so quirky! It’s so quirky. Like, okay, Sarah can totally be the Samantha figure, right, because she’s kind of a slut and she dresses insanely well because her parents are filthy rich on bailout money. And then we have Jane, who’s kind of a mopester. We have her around to make those brooding but funny remarks. She can be like the Addams Family girl or something, only in the sitcom the character doesn’t cut herself. Nor does she pretend like she’s calling suicide hotlines and shouting really loudly to get our attention because we didn’t invite her downstairs to eat pancakes with us. Though that might make for one of those ‘serious-but-funny’ episodes, you know, part tragedy and part comedy. I call it ‘comitragedy.’
Here’s what else is perfect about it: we have a wacky neighbor, and when we play music too loudly he comes over and goes all, “Hey guys, I’m wonderin’ if you can turn that racket off!” Like when Sarah blasts Lady Gaga or Jane blasts The Smiths, he’s always like, “Oh, you guys,” and then he does that kinda gay wrist-flicky thing that people do when they say that. And then we go, “But we’re girls!” Oh man, we have dance parties in the house, too, and not only that, but we’re frickin’ hilarious. Remember that time Sarah’s friend Larry came over after he propositioned that underage girl and he was all like, “If I had a nickel every time a girl turned me down,” and then I was like, “You would have a dime.” Oh, it was so funny! That’s the kind of stuff that needs to get on primetime television somewhere.
Also, I can be the token black housemate. How great would that be? Not even Friends bothered with having any semblance of diversity on their show, and look at how successful a show that was! Jeez, they practically murdered televised comedy for good and it raked in millions and millions of dollars! Think of what we can do!
Oh, and Alice has that gay friend of hers, too. Actually he might not be gay, he might be like a post-op tranny or some shit, but I’m telling you, we have everybody down. We have that little keyboard downstairs too, we could write our own theme song. We could put all of our little funny sayings in it, too. Like when we had that big pancake dinner and Jane was like, “Oh man, I seriously feel like I’m going to slip into a…” wait for it… “food coma.” How perfect was that! I swear to God, if we just put our minds to it, we can go on television. And I don’t mean reality television, though they could totally put cameras up in our house and let them roll. The gold they would catch, and to think that the whole world would be watching. That’s amazing to me.
And that’s just my house. My job is pretty hilarious too, you know, like a quirky office thing. Like, that could just be a television show too. About my office. And in my office, people tell all these funny stories about other people in the office and about how the office works. We could get all those awkward office moments in there, too. I think we should call it “The Place Where I Work.” Like when my boss came in that one time and started talking to us at the water-cooler about how one of his kids tried to run away from home, and we all kind of looked at each other and rolled our eyes like, “Oh, here goes this story again.” Perfect moment to catch on film. Or when Lucy right after was like, “Did you smell the scotch on him?” Ah man. Good times.
They could film me sleeping and it would be great. Those cute little pillow-fights my boyfriend and I have before we cuddle a little bit. One time he was snoring in his sleep, and he snored so loud he woke up. He was all startled too, like, “Wha?” I swear, I could not stop laughing. God, I can hear the canned laughter already. I can’t even wait.
