Oh hey guy, sorry, I haven’t seen you in a while. How’ve things been, good, not so good?…Not so good, eh?…Oh, I’m…I’m sorry. Oh, please, don’t, you look like a, I mean, no offense, but you look retarded when you frown like that. You have this long face and with your awkward-looking unibrow, your head looks severely damaged. It’s fine with me; I mean, it’s not my face. But hey, what’s the matter? Lonely, eh? Lost everything in the fire? Wow, that’s so…real…I, uh, well…speaking of flaming, have you ever met my boyfriend? He’s great. It’s been about four months, but I don’t remember who I introduced him to or not, if…wait, how have I not even see you since he and I got together?…Oh, that’s ridiculous, I don’t have any missed calls from you, if I did I would’ve…Yeah, no, I really don’t remember, must be that your phone sucks or you don’t know how to…Well in that event, I was probably busy…with…this guy, you know, guy things…Well let’s say you ran into me in the street instead of calling and said, “Hey, I kinda need a place to live now because Diane left the gas on before fleeing the city,” then I would’ve said “Fine”…Oh, you did. Maybe I didn’t recognize you with that frown, eh?
But no seriously, I haven’t seen anyone since Jake and I started going steady, for the most part. Haven’t seen Roy or Tammy, for the most part. Is Tammy around, maybe I can call her and…Oh, didn’t know she left town for good either. Where did she move?…Tallahassee? Really? Why?…Oh yeah, I did get that Facebook note she left everyone, I guess, though I don’t remember it that well…Okay, you’re not the first person to tell me she sent me an e-mail… “Will, for the love of Christ come see me I need you,” or something like that…That doesn’t make sense. I’m Will.
I mean, I guess…alright, I’ll level with you. I didn’t think I needed to bother with anyone else. You know, like, people prefer their boyfriends and girlfriends to their friends, right? So wouldn’t they prefer spending their time with them rather than friends? I mean, that was my only goal in ever hanging out with anybody for anything. I wanted a partner. Going to bars, meeting new people at friends’ parties…I haven’t even read anything since he and I started dating. What’s the point once you start going steady? I don’t need to learn anything new; I’ve hit my goal. And he’s a real angel, you know. We have such a great time together. We make dinner, sit around, watch Growing Pains repeats, and talk about why we shouldn’t buy anymore ice cube trays. Yup, we’ve had the ice cube talk, and it was rife…with passion. Oh, he’s so great, I just…you wouldn’t believe how well it’s been going. When I came home he made me a cheese sandwich but he drew a little heart on the cheese with mayo. I mean, can’t you see why I’d rather spend all my time with this guy now? Does that make sense now, to you?
Listen, I gotta go. He’s got this thing going where we read each other questions off of Trivial Pursuit cards and don’t answer them. It’s pretty great. Anyway, it’s that time. Look, sorry I’ve been so busy with all this crazy boyfriend stuff, I’ll call you. Let me know when you’re not homeless anymore, maybe we can go camping or something! Okay, byyyye.
