The Sounds of Douchebag America

Are you talking to me?  Don’t even bother.  Can’t we just watch Jeopardy! or something?  Even Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.  Nah, that’s too frustrating.  It takes them too long to figure out a question, no matter how, how do I say, easy it is.  Same thing with Jeopardy! sometimes.  I hate when they have Teen Jeopardy! or College Jeopardy! You do too?  Is it because you’re afear’d you won’t know the answers and you’ll feel ignorant?  Yeah, several acquaintances of mine feel similarly, so I’m not surprised.  See, I think it’s  too easy.  I would audition for the college edition, but I’m so occupied, as it were.  And with my patent, I don’t even need the money, so…

I would elaborate further about my patent, but it’s fairly intricate.  A plethora of quantum mechanics, a sprinkling of pyrometallurgy, and, surprisingly, some obscure facets of obstetrics.  This reminds me somehow, I believe earlier this evening you mentioned briefly something regarding “meiosis.”  It may have been a joke, or rather, a feeble attempt at one, but I believe your intention was to say “osmosis.”  I understand you got your degree in English, so I would not expect anything more (or less), but if you are going to attempt witticisms about semi-permeable membranes, I suggest you either do it properly, or not in my presence.

Wait, excuse me for a moment…Did someone across the way mention Prokofiev?  Prokofiev was not a Romantic, by the way; he’s strictly in the modern tradition.  You might as well say Pierre Boulez was in the style of Renaissance.  Or you could do worse and say Harlem Renaissance.  Or go farther and say the Harlem Globetrotters. Yes, I can keep this chain of references going as long as you wish, or at least until somebody appreciates the Groucho Marx-esque labyrinth of wit I’ve created around this music-ignorant, philistine-like Minotaur.

Anyway, I apologize for the interruption.  Have you read Proust?  I was reminded now because I was trying to remember something, and since the whole novel is essentially a treatise on the workings of memory, it reminded me.  I don’t enjoy discussing it at length, if only because as a novelist he is the go-to writer for pseudo-intellectual elite prattle.  He is more of a watermark of intellectual status for the bourgeoisie than an apex of modernist achievement.  Do you understand what I mean by prattle?  I used to subscribe to Word of the Day, but then I remembered every word they offered.  They were not helpful in conversation at all.  One moment, this plebeian wants to discuss Swann’s Way with me.  Something tells me they will confuse it with Swan Lake…Yes, I’ve read The Guermantes Way, and you are pronouncing it as if it is Spanish.  As you may recall, it was written by a Frenchman, not Pablo Neruda.  If we are to discuss books, shan’t we expound upon Taylor Branch’s 3-part Martin Luther King biography?  It eloquently casts Dr. King as a Moses figure.  Yes, I understand this particular topic is not relevant to anything, but then again, neither are you, so…

Well, this party is boring me.  While you play your first-person shooter video games, I believe I will go home and sip on some herbal-tea-infused Argentinian rum, read in my bathrobe, and fall asleep to some 21st-century sacred minimalism.  If anyone here is interested in a variant of some sort of courting ritual, I would be happy to oblige, though I must say I am not adept at those things.  In any event, I will leave my number if anyone is interested, right here, magnetized to the refrigerator.  Please call it if mating sounds viable.  Farewell, everybody.

You know how you, not even a moment ago, said, “I’ll see you tomorrow”?  Well, it’s 1:30am, and we’re supposed to get brunch at 1:00pm, but, because it’s after midnight it’s technically Sunday, so when you said “I’ll see you tomorrow,” you said you’d see me Monday, which isn’t true.  So basically, you were kind of lying.  You know, like that time you didn’t come to the PTA meeting with me because you had to take your daughter to dance lessons…well, your husband told me himself: you don’t even have a daughter!  You were kind of lying then, too.

I’m rarely up after midnight around friends, so I don’t get a chance to correct people.  My husband gets his fair share, though.  His sleep schedule’s pretty odd, because you know, he does those 48-hour shifts down at the fire station.  So he’ll come back at 3 or 4 in the morning depending, and tell me to pick the kids up from school tomorrow, and I’ll say, “Nuh uh uh, I get to pick them up today…Get it!?”  And then he’ll look at me weird, because he just saw a puppy burn to death.  I’m up pretty late unless I use my usual cocktail of Ambien, NyQuil, Jim Beam, melatonin, and valerian root-infused chamomile tea.  Like I told my husband, those herbal supplements are a medicinal miracle.  Speaking of medicine, I’m almost out of melatonin.  I should tell him when he gets back that I need him to pick some up for me tomorrow.

And by tomorrow I mean Monday, because I have a pill ready for tonight.  You see what I mean, because it’s technically Sunday, so…yeah, you get it now.

Get it?  Get it?  I’m a…listen…I’m a shit head.  I know, right?  DUDE!  I can’t wait to go into work tomorrow.  All the other White House staffers are gonna be like, “Get a load of this guy.”  You gotta admit, it’s pretty awesome that I managed to do it myself.  Like, so far as I can tell, it looks pretty accurate…thing is I can’t tell, really, because the back of your own head is probably the hardest place to look with only the use of your eyeballs.  So, judging from the reactions I’ve been getting, I’m going to guess it looks pretty good.  Actually I don’t know what reactions I’ve been getting, because I can’t really see behind me, at least when I’m walking down the street.  Unless I turn my head or turn around, but when do I ever do that?  I saw my girlfriend scoff and look kind of upset, but only because I was shaving and I saw her walk into the bathroom through the medicine cabinet mirror.  “I hope you’re not shaving a vagina into your beard or something,” she said.  She’s pretty smart, which is great, but I hate when she ruins my surprises for her.  Then she asks how people have reacted to it, and I said, “I don’t know, all I can really do is hear people’s reactions…I can’t really see them.”  (I would have said, “Does it look like I have eyes on the back of my head?”, but that wasn’t clever enough for me.  Maybe if I’d followed it up with, “I may not have eyes there, but at least I have a pooping guy on the back of my head…,” that would have been clever.  But maybe the pooping guy technically has eyes. Unless he’s a blind pooping guy, and that’s why he’s not pooping into a toilet…well, that doesn’t work, because blind people usually have eyes, they’re just broken, so, I don’t know…either way, they’re not real eyes, so it probably doesn’t count.)

Well anyway, since I only hear people’s reactions, what do they say?  Thing is, I don’t really know.  I have headphones on most of the time.  Not earbuds, I mean big headphones.  Sometimes when I have them off they cover the entire guy’s head and neck, which is poor planning on my part, I suppose.  Should’ve taken into account that I wear this very large, obtrusive dome-piece accessory before I shaved my head to have a pooping guy on it.

Now I can’t wait to see what it looks like as my hair starts growing back in.  Maybe it’ll look geographical or something.  If only Africa looked like a pooping guy, right?  And then the poop could be those little African islands that come off of Africa.  Oh, we’ll see.  We’ll see how people react…to geography.

Oh hey guy, sorry, I haven’t seen you in a while.  How’ve things been, good, not so good?…Not so good, eh?…Oh, I’m…I’m sorry.  Oh, please, don’t, you look like a, I mean, no offense, but you look retarded when you frown like that.  You have this long face and with your awkward-looking unibrow, your head looks severely damaged.  It’s fine with me; I mean, it’s not my face.  But hey, what’s the matter?  Lonely, eh?  Lost everything in the fire?  Wow, that’s so…real…I, uh, well…speaking of flaming, have you ever met my boyfriend?  He’s great.  It’s been about four months, but I don’t remember who I introduced him to or not, if…wait, how have I not even see you since he and I got together?…Oh, that’s ridiculous, I don’t have any missed calls from you, if I did I would’ve…Yeah, no, I really don’t remember, must be that your phone sucks or you don’t know how to…Well in that event, I was probably busy…with…this guy, you know, guy things…Well let’s say you ran into me in the street instead of calling and said, “Hey, I kinda need a place to live now because Diane left the gas on before fleeing the city,” then I would’ve said “Fine”…Oh, you did.  Maybe I didn’t recognize you with that frown, eh?

But no seriously, I haven’t seen anyone since Jake and I started going steady, for the most part.  Haven’t seen Roy or Tammy, for the most part.  Is Tammy around, maybe I can call her and…Oh, didn’t know she left town for good either.  Where did she move?…Tallahassee?  Really?  Why?…Oh yeah, I did get that Facebook note she left everyone, I guess, though I don’t remember it that well…Okay, you’re not the first person to tell me she sent me an e-mail… “Will, for the love of Christ come see me I need you,” or something like that…That doesn’t make sense.  I’m Will.

I mean, I guess…alright, I’ll level with you.  I didn’t think I needed to bother with anyone else.  You know, like, people prefer their boyfriends and girlfriends to their friends, right?  So wouldn’t they prefer spending their time with them rather than friends?  I mean, that was my only goal in ever hanging out with anybody for anything.  I wanted a partner.  Going to bars, meeting new people at friends’ parties…I haven’t even read anything since he and I started dating.  What’s the point once you start going steady?  I don’t need to learn anything new; I’ve hit my goal.  And he’s a real angel, you know.  We have such a great time together.  We make dinner, sit around, watch Growing Pains repeats, and talk about why we shouldn’t buy anymore ice cube trays.  Yup, we’ve had the ice cube talk, and it was rife…with passion.  Oh, he’s so great, I just…you wouldn’t believe how well it’s been going.  When I came home he made me a cheese sandwich but he drew a little heart on the cheese with mayo.  I mean, can’t you see why I’d rather spend all my time with this guy now?  Does that make sense now, to you?

Listen, I gotta go.  He’s got this thing going where we read each other questions off of Trivial Pursuit cards and don’t answer them.  It’s pretty great.  Anyway, it’s that time.  Look, sorry I’ve been so busy with all this crazy boyfriend stuff, I’ll call you.  Let me know when you’re not homeless anymore, maybe we can go camping or something!  Okay, byyyye.

I mean, think about it!  Think of how perfect it will be.  I mean, our house is so quirky!  It’s so quirky.  Like, okay, Sarah can totally be the Samantha figure, right, because she’s kind of a slut and she dresses insanely well because her parents are filthy rich on bailout money.  And then we have Jane, who’s kind of a mopester.  We have her around to make those brooding but funny remarks.  She can be like the Addams Family girl or something, only in the sitcom the character doesn’t cut herself.  Nor does she pretend like she’s calling suicide hotlines and shouting really loudly to get our attention because we didn’t invite her downstairs to eat pancakes with us.  Though that might make for one of those ‘serious-but-funny’ episodes, you know, part tragedy and part comedy.  I call it ‘comitragedy.’

Here’s what else is perfect about it: we have a wacky neighbor, and when we play music too loudly he comes over and goes all, “Hey guys, I’m wonderin’ if you can turn that racket off!”  Like when Sarah blasts Lady Gaga or Jane blasts The Smiths, he’s always like, “Oh, you guys,” and then he does that kinda gay wrist-flicky thing that people do when they say that.  And then we go, “But we’re girls!”  Oh man, we have dance parties in the house, too, and not only that, but we’re frickin’ hilarious. Remember that time Sarah’s friend Larry came over after he propositioned that underage girl and he was all like, “If I had a nickel every time a girl turned me down,” and then I was like, “You would have a dime.”  Oh, it was so funny!  That’s the kind of stuff that needs to get on primetime television somewhere.

Also, I can be the token black housemate.  How great would that be?  Not even Friends bothered with having any semblance of diversity on their show, and look at how successful a show that was!  Jeez, they practically murdered televised comedy for good and it raked in millions and millions of dollars!  Think of what we can do!

Oh, and Alice has that gay friend of hers, too.  Actually he might not be gay, he might be like a post-op tranny or some shit, but I’m telling you, we have everybody down.  We have that little keyboard downstairs too, we could write our own theme song.  We could put all of our little funny sayings in it, too.  Like when we had that big pancake dinner and Jane was like, “Oh man, I seriously feel like I’m going to slip into a…” wait for it… “food coma.”  How perfect was that!  I swear to God, if we just put our minds to it, we can go on television.  And I don’t mean reality television, though they could totally put cameras up in our house and let them roll.  The gold they would catch, and to think that the whole world would be watching.  That’s amazing to me.

And that’s just my house.  My job is pretty hilarious too, you know, like a quirky office thing.  Like, that could just be a television show too.  About my office.  And in my office, people tell all these funny stories about other people in the office and about how the office works.  We could get all those awkward office moments in there, too.  I think we should call it “The Place Where I Work.”  Like when my boss came in that one time and started talking to us at the water-cooler about how one of his kids tried to run away from home, and we all kind of looked at each other and rolled our eyes like, “Oh, here goes this story again.”  Perfect moment to catch on film.  Or when Lucy right after was like, “Did you smell the scotch on him?”  Ah man.  Good times.

They could film me sleeping and it would be great.  Those cute little pillow-fights my boyfriend and I have before we cuddle a little bit.  One time he was snoring in his sleep, and he snored so loud he woke up.  He was all startled too, like, “Wha?”  I swear, I could not stop laughing.  God, I can hear the canned laughter already.  I can’t even wait.